I’ll be live-blogging day one of the League Divisional Series today, so check this post for frequent, banal, pithy updates.

Yep, it’s just like Bill Simmons used to do but without the extremely dated pop culture references, lowest common denominator humor, and ceaseless name-dropping. Let’s do this!

10:51am: After an eight-pitch at-bat (groundout) by Elvis Andrus to open the game, both Michael Young and Josh Hamilton swing at the first pitch they see from David Price, who has thrown only fastballs thus far. Hamilton’s bloop single was followed by a single up the middle by Vlad Guerrero, so Price is still out there as I type.

TBS was good enough to inform its viewing audience that MLB has changed the dead-ball rules regarding the catwalks here at Del Boca Vista Stadium (outdated pop culture reference!) for the postseason. Balls that would have been ruled fair had they hit the catwalk during the season will now be ruled dead and the pitch will not count. That’s what you like to see. A drastic rule change after playing 162 games under one set of circumstances. To my knowledge, the catwalks have effected the outcome of exactly ONE game in the brief history of Tampa Bay Rays baseball, but it happened this year and the Rays lost so, yeah, let’s not take our chances with that again.

Nelson Cruz grounds out to Price to end the Rangers meager first-inning threat.

11:07am: Cliff Lee facing Carl Crawford in what is likely a combined $250 million dollar at-bat. Nice little winter ahead for those two. If I had to guess right now, I’d guess Lee ends up in Los Angeles and Crawford in Boston.

Neither Lee nor Price looks sharp here in the first, but that’s to be expected. Both are on a little extra rest which, I suppose, is preferable to having them go on short rest (something Lee has never done in his career). The deeper Lee and Price get in to the game, the better they’ll be, so Tampa would do well to take advantage of this opportunity, with the bases loaded and one out here in the first. I can’t imagine the Rays would feel good about their chances should they drop game one at home and have to look to James Shields to turn things around against CJ Wilson tomorrow.

Lee Ks Carlos Pena for the second out, after a lengthy discussion between Joe Madden and home plate umpire Tim Welty about a questionable foul ball call Welty made earlier in the at-bat. I understand the psychology between arguing with the umpire but is five minutes really necessary? Has there ever been an instance, not just in baseball but in life, when one fat white guy barking at another changed anyone’s mind about anything?

Lee Ks Rocco Baldelli (interesting inclusion in Tampa’s postseason roster) for the third out, stranding three. Golden opportunity missed by the Rays there.

11:16am: The Rangers hang a couple of runs on Price as TBS informs us that Ron Washington’s club loves Washington because he is so “calm and relaxed.” Not the first two words that spring to mind when you think “cocaine bust” but, hey, what do I know?

Not at all shocking that Price got tagged here in the second. That seems to be the way it goes: if you blow an opportunity to pick up some early runs, it will come back to haunt you. Remember, the last time the Rays made a run through the playoffs, Price was in the bullpen, so the possibility exists that he’s dealing with a serious-to-severe case of nerves. I’d be shocked if Price doesn’t settle in to a rhythm soon and keep his team in the game. He’s too good a pitcher not to.

11:26am: You know what I wouldn’t mind? A function where you could bypass the TBS commentary in favor of an audio feed from bunch of midday drunks at a bar or a couple of half-awake college sophomores tuning in. I have to imagine the commentary would be more entertaining, if not more insightful. Then again, Buck Martinez just reminded everyone that when a pitcher gives up a leadoff hit, his main concern becomes not giving up numerous runs that inning, so, it’d be tough for the layman to approach that level of analysis. Buck, I’m going to do you one better. I will posit that a pitcher’s main concern, no matter what the circumstance or inning, is to avoid giving up numerous runs.

11:33am: Leadoff double wasted by the Rays. Lee has 5 Ks through two innings while Price has given up two runs on six hits. The good news: “Big Game” James Shields and his 5.18 ERA will be on the hill for game two! More often than not, Joe Maddon’s “I’m a wildcard! I threw out the book! We’re off book here, gents!” approach yields decent results but, every once in a while, you wind up with one of these completely indefensible, moronic decisions. If the Rays leave Tampa in an 0-2 hole, Maddon’s going to have a lot to answer for.

11:47am: Here’s a comforting thought for Yankees and Twins fans: this is likely as poorly as Cliff Lee is going to pitch in October and, through three innings, he has struck out five and is staked to a 3-0 lead. I’ve no idea exactly how much money Lee is going to make as a free agent this winter but it’s got to be somewhere in the vicinity of So Much Fucking Money.

12:00pm: Rocco Baldelli is now 0-2 with two Ks as TBS extols the virtues of Joe Maddon’s radical, “outside-the-box” approach to managing. Yeah! Let the squares and statheads bitch all they want! Baldelli batted .208 with 1 HR and 5 RBI in the TEN GAMES OF ACTION he saw this year but those are just NUMBERS, man. You’re so repressed, getting all caught up in statistical evidence, like a fucking square, man. L-7. Baldelli’s two strike-outs and three men left on base in two plate appearances so far have inspired his teammates in ways that can’t be quantified with your precious statistics.

Meanwhile, Price hasn’t exactly settled down and the Rays trail 4-0 after four innings of baseball as panic grips the 8,400 Rays fans in attendance.

12:21pm: 5-0 Rangers through five as Lee (8 Ks) has retired twelve in a row. Probably safe to run a few errands before the Phils/Reds game gets going at 2:30pm PT.

Back in a bit but I’ll you with these three words, Rays fans: Big. Game. James!

2:24pm: We’re back! Phillies lead 1-0 after one, which is halfway to being an insurmountable edge with Halladay on the mound. For the Phillies to lose this series, they would have to have abject failure from their entire offense, as well as one of their three starters (Halladay, Oswalt, Hammels). I don’t see that happening. The Reds were a great story this season and it’s fun to see them playing in October - brings up all those memories of the Pinella-led 90s Reds teams - but their run likely ends here.

Incidentally, the best approach I have ever seen a team take against Oswalt happened a few years ago, when the Yankees faced the Jays in Toronto. The Yankees lineup did a lot of things right (swinging early in the count, laying down bunts, putting runners in motion, disrupting Halladay’s rhythm) and would have won the game had Mike Mussina not melted down and blown the lead. The Yankees didn’t run up the score on Halladay, but they took an approach that kept Halladay from getting in to one of those grooves where he sets down 12-15 in a row. I’m not sure the Reds are capable of that; the Braves might be, should they make it that far.

2:31pm: A couple of thoughts leftover from the early game today:

• David Price, if you’re going to criticize your entire fanbase for lack of support, you probably shouldn’t leave your team in a five-run hole in game one of a five-game series. I’m sure your 10,000 “embarrassing” fans will go easy on you, though, for setting your teams advancement chances back by 70%. Go get ‘em, big fella.
• Did TBS and MLB decide to schedule the Rays and Rangers for the early games so that all of those retired Floridians could watch the game and still catch the Early Bird Special?

Halladay sets the Reds down in order in the second. Can you imagine Halladay vs. Lee in game one of the World Series? Fun thought. Except for the part where the two pitchers play in Philidelphia and Texas.

3:09pm: No surprise here as we’re looking at another snoozer, with the Phillies and Halladay staked to a 4-0 lead. This, of course, means that the day’s final game, Yankees at Twins, will be an excruciatingly close contest that likely ends in dramatic (read: walk-off) fashion. Lovely.

As I was running errands while the Rangers disposed of the Rays, I happened to catch a snippet of Colin Cowherd making the case for instant replay in major league baseball. The ever-astute Cowherd even managed to seamlessly weave his belief that there are too many sexual references in hip-hop songs into the argument. Way to be out in front of the issue, Colin. Nothing says bravery and integrity like attaching yourself to a unilaterally shared opinion and doing so in such a manner that positions you as a scrappy underdog, defending your cutting-edge take on sports to the flaccid, static masses. I imagine dinner at your place must be a lovely affair.

Colin: I’m thinking pizza for dinner tonight.

Wife: That sounds fine.

Colin: Now, I know pizza gets a bad rap - lotta people out there against pizza - but hear me out. It’s delicious and, as junk food goes, it’s relatively healthy. Healthier than a burger, that’s for darn sure!

Wife: Pizza sounds great, honey. Whatever you want, the delivery number for the place you like is on the fridge.

Colin: Now, I know what you’re gonna say. “Colin, we had pizza last week. Colin, a burger sounds good. Colin, what about Chinese? Then we could have the takeout for lunch tomorrow.” Well, I hear you but you’re just wrong. I mean, takeout-for-lunch is just a tired concept that needs to be put to bed. Takeout for lunch?! Come on. Come on! Pizza. Pizza is the only answer here.

Wife: I want a divorce.

3:30pm: With nothing compelling happening, the TBS crew has decided to scrutinize Jimmy Rollins’ hamstring situation, painstakingly analyzing a video of Rollins not going from first to third on Shane Victorino’s bloop single in the second. Nevermind that it looked like Victorino’s ball was going to be caught, and that one of the steadfast rules of baserunning is “never make the first or third out of an inning at first base,” Rollins MUST be hurt more than he’s leading on. We’re positive there’s no other audio feed for these games?

3:40pm: Roy Halladay’s line so far: 5 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 ER, 5 K, 1 BB

Would anyone have a problem with Halladay winning a World Series? Is there a baseball fan in the world who wouldn’t be glad to see Halladay get a ring?

4:17pm: So… Roy Halladay’s pitching pretty well. Might be worth letting your friends know.

4:43pm: Holy shit. Roy Halladay.

Starting the first postseason game of his career, Halladay threw the first postseason no-hitter since Don Larsen’s perfect game in 1956.

5:38pm: Can you imagine what the Reds’ clubhouse sounded like? Sure, there was probably the requisite amount of “It’s just one game” and “We’ll get ‘em next time” but, damn. Your team just got no-hit by Roy Halladay and now you’ve got Roy Oswalt and Cole Hammels to deal with. Good luck with all that.

As for the Yanks and the Twins, look for Sabathia to struggle with location and the Yankees offense (especially Jeter and Posada) to chase a lot of pitches out of the zone. I would guess either the Twins win 5-1 or they win 3-2 in a walkoff. Either way, Yankees fans, it’s imperative that you remind yourself, they won the World Series last year. Just repeat those words to yourself as often as you need to.

6:26pm: 2-0 Twins through two after CC hit Thome and then gave up a two-run shot to Michael Cuddyer. The Yankees, you will remember, won the World Series last year.

6:35pm: Were this a Simmons column, it would be at this point that I would list the various foods and beverages I had consumed to this point, emphasizing alcohol but especially, coffee, because God knows how grueling it is to sit around and document sporting events, inserting the occasional quip. I’m drained. Absolutely drained. Except the opposite. This is one of the easier days in recent memory. So, congratulations yet again, Bill Simpson, on being my generation’s biggest sportswriting hack.

7:02pm: Twins lead 3-0 after four due largely to Jorge Posada’s ineptitude and Orlando Hudson’s hustle (Hudson went first to third on a groundout then scored on a passed ball). Again, it is worth pointing out that the Yankees won the 2009 World Series.

I think the Twins will get bounced in the ALCS no matter who they face, but beating the Yankees would be an enormous stepping stone for Minnesota’s organization. This Yankees team looked positively lackluster over the last month of the season and their continued lackluster performance through four innings here shows that coasting in to the playoffs, while advantageous in that your club may be rested, is a dangerous gamble. The Yankees look exactly as lethargic as they did while they were sleepwalking to a 6-9 record over their last fifteen games, pissing the division away.

Oh well. They did, after all, win the World Series just last year.

8:13pm: Yanks lead 6-4 as their bats have evidently woken from a two-month slumber. Troubling issue for the Yankees:  CC Sabathia walked in a run in the bottom of the sixth to tie the game at 4. This is the second time in two weeks CC has walked in a run in a big game situation (the first being at Yankee Stadium against the Rays with the division lead on the line). As great as CC is, he is no Cy Young this year. His command has been off and, despite his 21 victories, more often than not, he has labored through games. Again, CC is a great pitcher, one of the best in the game, but I can count his “dominant” performances this year on one hand. If I wasn’t walking out the door, I might even bother to look up statistics to support that argument.

The Twins will rally to win this one. Catch you tomorrow.